The 10 Questions of a Courageous Conversation
If you have heard me speak recently, you may have heard me talk about having a Courageous Conversation. These are conversations that require us to blend two key elements of mercy and truth in order to resolve pressing issues and at the same time develop greater levels of trust in our relationship. Proverbs 16:6 states "By mercy and truth iniquity is purged: and by the fear of the LORD men depart from evil. " The iniquities of self-will, and our pride is what causes so much of the tension in our relationships. Our pride reveals itself in our conversations when we say to ourselves, “we will have had a good conversation when you listen to me and agree that I’m right.” This form of conversation does not include God’s mercy and truth which sets us free, but it focuses on our own rights and expectations which cause wars among us as James 4 points out so clearly.
When I have helped mediate courageous conversations where people have been more interested in seeking to give mercy and truth rather than being right, I have seen truly miraculous reconciliation take place. God has said “And having made peace through the blood of His cross, by Him to reconcile all things unto Himself; by Him, I say, whether they be things in earth, or things in heaven.” God has already done his part, the question is will we receive the grace He has already provided by humbling ourselves and allowing our iniquities to be purged by His mercy and truth. When our sins are pointed out and we humble ourselves and confess them, God cleanses us. I have seen people become so free that they have a fresh fear of God come upon them as they see His power made manifest in their lives and relationship. They depart from further evil so they can experience a greater level of intimacy and freedom in Christ.
The three goals of a courageous conversation are:
* Wisdom to see from a bigger perspective. When we see as God sees we will want to do as God does. The counsel of others will broaden our perspective. God can even use a donkey to help us see our blind spots. He will test our humility by sending us the most unlikely messengers.
* Understanding that will establish trust in the relationship. When we see from another’s perspective we begin to understand why they do what they do. When you seek to understand a person, it doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. When you provide them a safe environment of mercy, it will allow them to see their own false beliefs and begin to question their perspective if it is based on lies. A man convinced against his own will is of the same opinion still. Our goal is to look with another person at their own thoughts and beliefs so they consider the trustworthiness of their perspective.
* Knowledge so we can take the next step. When people gain wisdom and understanding by allowing the beatitudes of Christ to control their spirit, soul and body, then God will grant them the knowledge of His will to resolve any issue.
1. What is your most pressing issue?
Questions 1 & 2 deal with the Pressing Issues. Very rarely do I ever ask someone if they would like to have a courageous conversation. I simply realize that there is a problem because someone is either acting hurt or trying to get me to understand their viewpoint. When I see that a conversation is turning combustible because I don’t feel understood or the other person is frustrated, it dawns on me that I need to humble myself and esteem the others need to be heard as greater than my own. This is the first beatitude Jesus describes of a happy, to be envied and prosperous man. I will simply say, “What I hear you saying is that your most pressing issue is…” or I will say “What I hear you saying is…, which of these is the most pressing issue?”
2. In addition to this, is there something else?
My goal in this question is to get to the real issue. I remind myself that most people may not be aware of how to describe their most pressing needs. I listen to what they say and try to see where one of two root issues may be causing the intense feelings.
* Fear of Rejection – This issue or person is making me feel like I am unacceptable and I don’t feel good about myself because of it.
* Fear of Failure – This issue or person is making me feel inadequate.
When I am working with couples I think about how the woman’s most important question is being answered. I believe a woman asks herself constantly “Am I worth being pursued?”, so when her husband is not initiating the conversation or showing interest in her issues, she feels rejection.
From my experience with men it seems the major question they are asking themselves is “Am I adequate, do I have what it takes to succeed?” When they feel like others view them as inadequate or their ability to succeed is hampered then they begin to experience tension.
Sometimes people don’t verbalize these root issues and I only bring them up if I sense they are willing to acknowledge that this fear is present, otherwise I let them determine their most pressing issue and agree to pursue this course with them.
It is important that you write down the most pressing issue in a concise sentence because all the other questions will refer to this issue. You can only deal effectively with one issue at a time.
3. How is this affecting you?
Questions 3 & 4 deal with the painful consequences of an issue. The beatitude of mourning can be displayed by the listener as they show empathy for the other person. When a person feels heard and cared about they can begin to move on to resolving their issues. It is a rare experience for most people to feel safe enough to talk about anything because there are so few people who can listen from another’s perspective. One definition of intimacy I like is “In To Me See.” When we look through another person’s eyes and see as they see we can begin to understand why they are behaving the way they are.
When you take the brunt of their intense emotions and don’t defend yourself, but mourn over what you may have caused or what others have contributed to, you are following the command “to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.” It also allows you to see just how serious of an issue this is and what the cause and effects are for yourself and the organization.
Rephrase what you heard the person say to their satisfaction. This is a part of engaging in the conversation and helping the person feel understood.
4. What will the future be like if nothing changes?
This question is a real motivator for me because I begin to see the high cost of doing nothing. I want people to really consider just what the future could be and not gloss over this one. It helps everyone to be more committed to resolving the issue.
Rephrase what you heard the person say to their satisfaction. If they are not satisfied that you understand, allow them to rephrase their statement, don’t try to guess, but be patient until they can verbalize their own thoughts. A right answer is like a kiss on the lips, and in this case it is a answer that shows you understand them.
5. What do you see as my responsibility for this issue?
Questions 5 & 6 deal with the personal responsibilities of those involved in the issue. When I ask this question I am showing a noble willingness to yield my rights and become meek and lowly, a servant like Christ, one who lays down his life for a brother. It also reveals a hunger and thirst for Christ’s righteousness rather than defending my own. When I mediate courageous conversations this is the question most people fear to ask. It takes grace to die and lose your life, but God promises you will find it if you willingly lay it down. This question opens up the opportunity to really understand the heart of another, they want to share with you their real needs. If you begin to explain, complain or blame them in response to this question then you will have failed and turned a courageous conversation into a combustible one due to cowardice in not laying down your life.
Rephrase what you heard the person say to their satisfaction. The goal of rephrasing their statement is to try and understand their heart. If they verbalized it well enough you can simply restate their comments, if God gives you further insight then be willing to share this as it comes to you. Do not try to make up new statements because you don’t want to use their words, it will change the meaning. Our goal is to reveal that we do understand their heart.
6. What do you see as your responsibility for this issue?
This question is one the speaker is totally unprepared for because they have probably taken on the role of a victim. With this question you help them begin to move out of being a victim into a response able person. They can begin to share in the responsibility of resolving this issue. The turning point of the whole conversation starts with this question. People who are speaking begin to show mercy to the listener if they have demonstrated humility, mourning, meekness and a hunger and thirst for righteousness. Some people will maintain a victim mindset. It is easier for a mediator to deal with this issue than a person who is part of the issue. If I am part of the issue I simply say “What I hear you saying is….”
7. What does the preferable future look like to you?
Questions 7 & 8 are about the preferable future. This question turns the focus on what has been to what could and should be. It creates hope in the people because they begin to share a vision that both can agree on. When they realize how much they agree on their desired future they begin to walk together in agreement. This question begins to restore a sense of partnership and enthusiasm for what could and should be in their relationship and organization. God begins to give them a pure heart to see the future as he sees it, full of plans for good and not for evil.
Restate what you heard them say the preferable future could be.
8. What is the most powerful thing we can agree to ask God for?
This question is an acknowledgement of Psalm 55:22. We are to cast back on the Lord all our burdens that a conversation like this can create. We now know our responsibilities and the preferable future and we will either try to do it in the power of our flesh or we will cast our burdens on the Lord and acknowledge our weakness and dependence on Him to perform all things for us. When we agree in prayer right then we invite God’s power to impact this issue. Psalm 133 says that God commands a blessing when brethren dwell together in unity.
9. Based on the above, what is the one thing we cannot fail to do?
Questions 8 & 9 have to do with making Powerful Plans. This question helps us focus on one thing that will make all the difference if we execute it with consistency and excellence. We are looking for one thing that will help us move towards the preferable future. It is an idea such as “We cannot fail to communicate.” It is an objective that is simply understood by everyone. For a doctor going into surgery, the one thing he cannot fail to do is wash his hands well or everything else he does will be rendered inconsequential. What is the one thing that you cannot fail to do or everything else will be rendered inconsequential? Understanding this one thing puts you on the path to making peace.
10. What practical steps must we take to make this happen?
Andy Stanley wrote a book about the “Most Important Question” and he states it like this “What is the wisest step you should take based on past experience, present circumstances, and future hopes?” These are the steps you can put in your planner. It describes who will do what by when. These are highly leveraged steps that will yield the greatest results. They are the 20% activities that will yield 80% of your results.
May God grant you the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding that you may walk worthy of His noble calling and produce fruit that will stand the test of eternity as you make noble plans and carry out noble deeds.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Command 30: Go to Offenders | Day 210
Seek Restoration!
The danger of exercising church discipline on a fellow believer is the tendency to close our spirits to him and forget about him. This probably would have happened to the immoral man in the Corinthian church had not Paul intervened with some very clear, firm instructions. The man indeed had committed a horrible sin—a sin that was so despicable that even the heathen did not commit it. (See I Corinthians 5.) Action had to be taken to cut off this leaven of hypocrisy from the church fellowship before it corrupted the entire congregation.
Paul ordered that the man be excommunicated and delivered over to Satan for the destruction of his body, but Paul also made a point of staying informed about him because he valued the man’s soul and spirit. Therefore, after a year of being shunned by other believers, Paul discerned that the man had fully repented and could become overcome with grief and bitterness if something was not done quickly to restore him to fellowship with the other believers.
Thus, Paul wrote, “Sufficient to such a man is this punishment, which was inflicted of many. So that contrariwise ye ought rather to forgive him, and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one should be swallowed up with overmuch sorrow. Wherefore I beseech you that ye would confirm your love toward him” (II Corinthians 2:6–8).
The proof of our genuine love for a disciplined brother is in our faithfulness to watch for his repentance and restore him.
The ultimate example of earnest appeals, loving discipline, and patient waiting for restoration is seen in God’s dealings with the nation of Israel. When Israel offended God by breaking His laws and worshiping other gods, the Lord sent prophets to appeal to them. When these were rejected, He sent more prophets. Finally, God sent His own Son.
The prophets were God’s witnesses. When Israel rejected them, He sent more witnesses. When Jesus came, He represented the Church since He is the Head of the Church. When Israel rejected Christ, they were treated as heathens and publicans. However, God is patiently waiting for their repentance and eagerly desires to fully restore them, as well as every sinner, to Himself. (See Romans 11:26.)
The prodigal son demonstrates the consequences of being cut off and the loving restoration that occurs when there is repentance.
Church discipline is effective only when all of the members recognize the necessity of it and agree together to seek the offender’s greater good by ceasing to fellowship with him until he is brought to repentance. This discipline is a demonstration of genuine love for the offender, as well as hatred of his sin. Because its purpose is to bring about reform, not ruin in the individual’s life, full fellowship with him should be restored once he repents. God’s desire is that there would be unity among all the members of the Body of Christ, so that the world will know that the Father sent Jesus to be the Savior of the world. (See John 17:21–23.)
In your journal this week, write out the name and offense of one who has wronged you. Then, list the steps that you will take to go to this offender. Humbly tell him his offense and seek to restore your relationship with him. The results will be a powerful chapter in your life message and will provide an example for many others to follow.
The danger of exercising church discipline on a fellow believer is the tendency to close our spirits to him and forget about him. This probably would have happened to the immoral man in the Corinthian church had not Paul intervened with some very clear, firm instructions. The man indeed had committed a horrible sin—a sin that was so despicable that even the heathen did not commit it. (See I Corinthians 5.) Action had to be taken to cut off this leaven of hypocrisy from the church fellowship before it corrupted the entire congregation.
Paul ordered that the man be excommunicated and delivered over to Satan for the destruction of his body, but Paul also made a point of staying informed about him because he valued the man’s soul and spirit. Therefore, after a year of being shunned by other believers, Paul discerned that the man had fully repented and could become overcome with grief and bitterness if something was not done quickly to restore him to fellowship with the other believers.
Thus, Paul wrote, “Sufficient to such a man is this punishment, which was inflicted of many. So that contrariwise ye ought rather to forgive him, and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one should be swallowed up with overmuch sorrow. Wherefore I beseech you that ye would confirm your love toward him” (II Corinthians 2:6–8).
The proof of our genuine love for a disciplined brother is in our faithfulness to watch for his repentance and restore him.
The ultimate example of earnest appeals, loving discipline, and patient waiting for restoration is seen in God’s dealings with the nation of Israel. When Israel offended God by breaking His laws and worshiping other gods, the Lord sent prophets to appeal to them. When these were rejected, He sent more prophets. Finally, God sent His own Son.
The prophets were God’s witnesses. When Israel rejected them, He sent more witnesses. When Jesus came, He represented the Church since He is the Head of the Church. When Israel rejected Christ, they were treated as heathens and publicans. However, God is patiently waiting for their repentance and eagerly desires to fully restore them, as well as every sinner, to Himself. (See Romans 11:26.)
The prodigal son demonstrates the consequences of being cut off and the loving restoration that occurs when there is repentance.
Church discipline is effective only when all of the members recognize the necessity of it and agree together to seek the offender’s greater good by ceasing to fellowship with him until he is brought to repentance. This discipline is a demonstration of genuine love for the offender, as well as hatred of his sin. Because its purpose is to bring about reform, not ruin in the individual’s life, full fellowship with him should be restored once he repents. God’s desire is that there would be unity among all the members of the Body of Christ, so that the world will know that the Father sent Jesus to be the Savior of the world. (See John 17:21–23.)
In your journal this week, write out the name and offense of one who has wronged you. Then, list the steps that you will take to go to this offender. Humbly tell him his offense and seek to restore your relationship with him. The results will be a powerful chapter in your life message and will provide an example for many others to follow.
Command 30: Go to Offenders | Day 209
Know When to Get Witnesses!
Both men were prominent individuals in their community and members of the same church, but they had not been on speaking terms for several years. One man was a business executive and the other was a builder. The businessman had hired the builder to put a large addition on his home. The builder had completed the work according to the plans that were agreed upon, but the businessman refused to pay him. The builder made several personal appeals to the businessman, but still the situation was not resolved. It was time to bring in a witness.
“But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established” (Matthew 18:16).
The builder had a valid, legal claim against the businessman; however, Scripture warns against taking fellow believers to court. (See I Corinthians 6:1–2.) In fact, God warns a believer who has a grievance and goes to court before unbelievers: “… There is utterly a fault among you, because ye go to law one with another. Why do ye not rather take wrong? why do ye not rather suffer yourselves to be defrauded? Nay, ye do wrong, and defraud, and that your brethren” (I Corinthians 6:7–8).
How would the builder who had thousands of dollars wrongfully withheld from him be defrauding the businessman by taking the matter before a civil judge? The answer is that a civil court deals only with the financial aspects of the case. There are important spiritual matters that also need to be addressed, and that is the purpose for going to an offender with a Godly witness. While going to court may have allowed the builder to get the money he was owed, it would have failed to address the spiritual welfare of the businessman.
One purpose for witnesses is to make sure the principles of God’s Word are properly applied in resolving a dispute.
A “witness” could be a person who saw the offense take place firsthand, or it could be someone who is known and respected by both parties and can work with them to resolve their differences.
I became involved as a witness to help resolve the dispute between the builder and the businessman when both of them wanted to join me in my youth work. Each man had told me his side of the story, so one evening I invited them both to my home to discuss the deeper spiritual issues that were at stake with their ongoing feud. By the end of our time together, each one had acknowledged the faults on his part and arrived at a compromise that was mutually acceptable.
Years ago, a wise friend helped me see an offender from a new perspective. I viewed the offender as a stubborn and unreasonable man whom I wanted to avoid, but my friend pointed out, “God does nothing by chance. He allowed that man to offend you to get your attention and to force you to focus on spiritual needs in your life and in his life.”
We need to be attentive to the spiritual aspects of an offense and learn what God wants to teach us and the offender through it. Let’s be committed to doing everything we can to resolve conflicts and recognize when a witness is needed.
Both men were prominent individuals in their community and members of the same church, but they had not been on speaking terms for several years. One man was a business executive and the other was a builder. The businessman had hired the builder to put a large addition on his home. The builder had completed the work according to the plans that were agreed upon, but the businessman refused to pay him. The builder made several personal appeals to the businessman, but still the situation was not resolved. It was time to bring in a witness.
“But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established” (Matthew 18:16).
The builder had a valid, legal claim against the businessman; however, Scripture warns against taking fellow believers to court. (See I Corinthians 6:1–2.) In fact, God warns a believer who has a grievance and goes to court before unbelievers: “… There is utterly a fault among you, because ye go to law one with another. Why do ye not rather take wrong? why do ye not rather suffer yourselves to be defrauded? Nay, ye do wrong, and defraud, and that your brethren” (I Corinthians 6:7–8).
How would the builder who had thousands of dollars wrongfully withheld from him be defrauding the businessman by taking the matter before a civil judge? The answer is that a civil court deals only with the financial aspects of the case. There are important spiritual matters that also need to be addressed, and that is the purpose for going to an offender with a Godly witness. While going to court may have allowed the builder to get the money he was owed, it would have failed to address the spiritual welfare of the businessman.
One purpose for witnesses is to make sure the principles of God’s Word are properly applied in resolving a dispute.
A “witness” could be a person who saw the offense take place firsthand, or it could be someone who is known and respected by both parties and can work with them to resolve their differences.
I became involved as a witness to help resolve the dispute between the builder and the businessman when both of them wanted to join me in my youth work. Each man had told me his side of the story, so one evening I invited them both to my home to discuss the deeper spiritual issues that were at stake with their ongoing feud. By the end of our time together, each one had acknowledged the faults on his part and arrived at a compromise that was mutually acceptable.
Years ago, a wise friend helped me see an offender from a new perspective. I viewed the offender as a stubborn and unreasonable man whom I wanted to avoid, but my friend pointed out, “God does nothing by chance. He allowed that man to offend you to get your attention and to force you to focus on spiritual needs in your life and in his life.”
We need to be attentive to the spiritual aspects of an offense and learn what God wants to teach us and the offender through it. Let’s be committed to doing everything we can to resolve conflicts and recognize when a witness is needed.
Command 30: Go to Offenders | Day 208
Have a “Courageous Conversation”!
If we are to be successful in resolving a conflict with an offender, it is vital that we have clear, open communication. Sometimes the offense may have been a reaction to wrong attitudes and actions on our part. We must go into the conversation with a greater desire to show mercy and find truth than the desire to be right.
Each of us wants to be understood. When we don’t feel we are understood, especially by those who are close to us, it is easy for little offenses to pile up and for communication to break down. We can overcome this tendency by learning to communicate effectively with those who have offended us as well as by providing an atmosphere in which others feel safe to share with us the concerns and hurts that they are experiencing.
One of the greatest communication problems is the assumption that it has taken place.
Chris Hogan has had remarkable success mediating family conflicts by using 10 key questions that help individuals have a “courageous conversation.”1 Recently, a successful businessman appealed to Chris for help with his family. He knew that he had deeply wounded the spirits of his three oldest children through his anger and harsh discipline. In response, they had rejected his leadership, and he was quite sure that they no longer desired to have a relationship with him.
Chris agreed to meet with this family. At first, the teenagers slouched in their chairs, folded their arms, and glared at their father. After some discussion, the oldest daughter agreed to have a courageous conversation. She would be asked the 10 key questions, and her father would have to accurately repeat to her what she had said until she was satisfied that he understood her. He could not blame, complain, or offer any explanations during this time. Then, the same questions were asked of the father, with his daughter repeating his answers. The questions were:
1. What is your most pressing issue?
2. In addition to this, is there something else?
3. How is this affecting you?
4. What will the future be like if nothing changes?
5. What do you see as my responsibility for this issue?
6. What do you see as your responsibility for this issue?
7. What does the preferable future look like to you?
8. What is the most powerful thing we can agree to ask God for?
9. Based on the above, what is the one thing we cannot fail to do?
10. What practical steps must we take to make this happen?
In the process of the courageous conversation, some deep hurts from the father’s childhood came to light. These hurts had affected the way he interacted with his children. The resulting tears gave the daughter hope for reconciliation. As each person was able to present his or her grievances and listen to the other’s point of view, they were able to clear up the offenses and misunderstandings, and a marvelous restoration began to take place in this family.
Would those in our families say that we listen to them and understand them? Do they feel safe to approach us when an offense has occurred? Let’s make every effort we can to develop “hearing” hearts by learning how to conduct courageous conversations.
If we are to be successful in resolving a conflict with an offender, it is vital that we have clear, open communication. Sometimes the offense may have been a reaction to wrong attitudes and actions on our part. We must go into the conversation with a greater desire to show mercy and find truth than the desire to be right.
Each of us wants to be understood. When we don’t feel we are understood, especially by those who are close to us, it is easy for little offenses to pile up and for communication to break down. We can overcome this tendency by learning to communicate effectively with those who have offended us as well as by providing an atmosphere in which others feel safe to share with us the concerns and hurts that they are experiencing.
One of the greatest communication problems is the assumption that it has taken place.
Chris Hogan has had remarkable success mediating family conflicts by using 10 key questions that help individuals have a “courageous conversation.”1 Recently, a successful businessman appealed to Chris for help with his family. He knew that he had deeply wounded the spirits of his three oldest children through his anger and harsh discipline. In response, they had rejected his leadership, and he was quite sure that they no longer desired to have a relationship with him.
Chris agreed to meet with this family. At first, the teenagers slouched in their chairs, folded their arms, and glared at their father. After some discussion, the oldest daughter agreed to have a courageous conversation. She would be asked the 10 key questions, and her father would have to accurately repeat to her what she had said until she was satisfied that he understood her. He could not blame, complain, or offer any explanations during this time. Then, the same questions were asked of the father, with his daughter repeating his answers. The questions were:
1. What is your most pressing issue?
2. In addition to this, is there something else?
3. How is this affecting you?
4. What will the future be like if nothing changes?
5. What do you see as my responsibility for this issue?
6. What do you see as your responsibility for this issue?
7. What does the preferable future look like to you?
8. What is the most powerful thing we can agree to ask God for?
9. Based on the above, what is the one thing we cannot fail to do?
10. What practical steps must we take to make this happen?
In the process of the courageous conversation, some deep hurts from the father’s childhood came to light. These hurts had affected the way he interacted with his children. The resulting tears gave the daughter hope for reconciliation. As each person was able to present his or her grievances and listen to the other’s point of view, they were able to clear up the offenses and misunderstandings, and a marvelous restoration began to take place in this family.
Would those in our families say that we listen to them and understand them? Do they feel safe to approach us when an offense has occurred? Let’s make every effort we can to develop “hearing” hearts by learning how to conduct courageous conversations.
Command 30: Go to Offenders | Day 207
Appeal to the Conscience!
It had been about a year since David had committed adultery with Bathsheba and arranged for the death of her husband. David’s cover-up appeared to have been successful. He was carrying out the business of his kingdom and enjoying the little child that resulted from his adultery. Nathan the prophet was charged by God with the responsibility of telling King David his fault. Nathan’s example provides several important principles that we can follow when confronting an offender.
A key to confronting an offender is identifying the precise offense that was committed and then appealing to his conscience.
What was the precise offense of David? He committed adultery and conspired to commit murder, but the deeper sin was that of stealing from God. Life is created by God and no man has a right to destroy it. At a wedding, God joins a man and woman together in the covenant of marriage. By taking Uriah’s wife, David dishonored this covenant.
With the precise offense identified, Nathan used a compelling story to appeal to the conscience of David. In that story, he told of a rich man who stole a beloved pet lamb from his poor neighbor and served the lamb as dinner to a traveling guest. David was so infuriated by this act of injustice that he commanded that the thief be killed.
After David pronounced this verdict of guilt, Nathan declared, “Thou art the man …” (II Samuel 12:7). Immediately, David’s conscience was pricked, and he said, “I have sinned against the LORD” (II Samuel 12:13). His humility and repentance are reflected in the psalms he wrote, such as Psalm 51.
An effective appeal by Nathan resulted in David’s prayer: “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me” (Psalm 51:10).
God has written His Law on our hearts (see Romans 2:14–15). Therefore, we know instinctively what is right and wrong. The purpose of God’s Law is to act as a “schoolmaster” to bring us to Christ (see Galatians 3:24). By looking at the Law, we can see the holy standards of God and the great distance we have fallen from His perfection. We can appeal to a person’s conscience by helping him see his words, thoughts, attitudes, and actions in the light of God’s holy Law.
When parents say to a disobedient child, “Was that a smart thing to do?” they are appealing to his mind. By saying, “Don’t you see how your actions are hurting others?” they are appealing to his emotions. If they say, “Promise us that you won’t do this again” they are appealing to his will. But, if they say, “Was your action loving, kind, and just?” they are appealing to his conscience.
Because God’s Word is the “sword of the Spirit,” it is our chief weapon in appealing to a person’s conscience. When we base our appeals on the principles of God’s Word, the Holy Spirit can use them to bring conviction and repentance.
It had been about a year since David had committed adultery with Bathsheba and arranged for the death of her husband. David’s cover-up appeared to have been successful. He was carrying out the business of his kingdom and enjoying the little child that resulted from his adultery. Nathan the prophet was charged by God with the responsibility of telling King David his fault. Nathan’s example provides several important principles that we can follow when confronting an offender.
A key to confronting an offender is identifying the precise offense that was committed and then appealing to his conscience.
What was the precise offense of David? He committed adultery and conspired to commit murder, but the deeper sin was that of stealing from God. Life is created by God and no man has a right to destroy it. At a wedding, God joins a man and woman together in the covenant of marriage. By taking Uriah’s wife, David dishonored this covenant.
With the precise offense identified, Nathan used a compelling story to appeal to the conscience of David. In that story, he told of a rich man who stole a beloved pet lamb from his poor neighbor and served the lamb as dinner to a traveling guest. David was so infuriated by this act of injustice that he commanded that the thief be killed.
After David pronounced this verdict of guilt, Nathan declared, “Thou art the man …” (II Samuel 12:7). Immediately, David’s conscience was pricked, and he said, “I have sinned against the LORD” (II Samuel 12:13). His humility and repentance are reflected in the psalms he wrote, such as Psalm 51.
An effective appeal by Nathan resulted in David’s prayer: “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me” (Psalm 51:10).
God has written His Law on our hearts (see Romans 2:14–15). Therefore, we know instinctively what is right and wrong. The purpose of God’s Law is to act as a “schoolmaster” to bring us to Christ (see Galatians 3:24). By looking at the Law, we can see the holy standards of God and the great distance we have fallen from His perfection. We can appeal to a person’s conscience by helping him see his words, thoughts, attitudes, and actions in the light of God’s holy Law.
When parents say to a disobedient child, “Was that a smart thing to do?” they are appealing to his mind. By saying, “Don’t you see how your actions are hurting others?” they are appealing to his emotions. If they say, “Promise us that you won’t do this again” they are appealing to his will. But, if they say, “Was your action loving, kind, and just?” they are appealing to his conscience.
Because God’s Word is the “sword of the Spirit,” it is our chief weapon in appealing to a person’s conscience. When we base our appeals on the principles of God’s Word, the Holy Spirit can use them to bring conviction and repentance.
Command 30: Go to Offenders | Day 206
Tell an Offender His Fault!
On Sunday the man looked like a saint, but during the week he acted like a sinner! His life in the workplace consisted of profanity, off-color jokes, borrowing money without repaying it, laziness, and disorder.
Whenever other Christian coworkers tried to witness, they would be asked if they went to the same church and believed the same way as this dreadful example of a Christian. When they admitted that they did, the conversation usually ended. These fellow believers had no choice but to go to this man and tell him his fault.
As members of the Body of Christ, each believer is responsible to look out for the welfare of fellow believers.
The phrase tell him his fault in this command is translated from the Greek word elegcho, which means “to reprove with conviction.” It implies communicating not only the charge, but the Biblical basis of that charge as well. Our goal should not be to rehearse the offense, but rather to restore the offender to fellowship with us and the Body of Christ.
We should be lovingly firm when we tell an offender his faults, and it is important to start by asking questions to hear his side of the story and to make sure all the facts of the situation are known. (See Proverbs 18:13.) Asking questions will also help us discern his motives and will provide insight into how to appeal to him and work with him to correct the offense. For instance, is he intentionally stealing from his employer through laziness, or is it possible that he has never been taught how to work diligently?
The conversation should occur in a private place when there is sufficient time to talk. After discerning the nature of the situation, one approach that could be taken is to ask, “How do you think your fellow employees view you as a Christian?” This would allow him to begin seeing his life through the eyes of others. Then, the specific faults could be discussed, along with the Scripture they are violating, the damage they are causing to the name of Christ, and the ways in which they are hindering the response of other employees to the message of salvation. The goal is to help him see his offenses in light of Scripture so that he will repent before God, ask his fellow employees for forgiveness, and be restored.
Before going to an offender, we must make adequate preparations through prayer so that Satan will not be able to hinder conviction and repentance.
God is the only One Who can bring true conviction and repentance to a person’s heart. Therefore, the most important step we can take before going to an offender is to boldly go before the throne of grace and fervently appeal to God to work mightily in the situation for His honor and glory. Ask God to cause a spirit of peace and truth to reign in the conversation and to give you His words to say. Also, by our authority in Christ we should bind and rebuke Satan so that he cannot cause any confusion. Let’s realize the seriousness of telling an offender his fault, and let’s be spiritually prepared before we do it.
On Sunday the man looked like a saint, but during the week he acted like a sinner! His life in the workplace consisted of profanity, off-color jokes, borrowing money without repaying it, laziness, and disorder.
Whenever other Christian coworkers tried to witness, they would be asked if they went to the same church and believed the same way as this dreadful example of a Christian. When they admitted that they did, the conversation usually ended. These fellow believers had no choice but to go to this man and tell him his fault.
As members of the Body of Christ, each believer is responsible to look out for the welfare of fellow believers.
The phrase tell him his fault in this command is translated from the Greek word elegcho, which means “to reprove with conviction.” It implies communicating not only the charge, but the Biblical basis of that charge as well. Our goal should not be to rehearse the offense, but rather to restore the offender to fellowship with us and the Body of Christ.
We should be lovingly firm when we tell an offender his faults, and it is important to start by asking questions to hear his side of the story and to make sure all the facts of the situation are known. (See Proverbs 18:13.) Asking questions will also help us discern his motives and will provide insight into how to appeal to him and work with him to correct the offense. For instance, is he intentionally stealing from his employer through laziness, or is it possible that he has never been taught how to work diligently?
The conversation should occur in a private place when there is sufficient time to talk. After discerning the nature of the situation, one approach that could be taken is to ask, “How do you think your fellow employees view you as a Christian?” This would allow him to begin seeing his life through the eyes of others. Then, the specific faults could be discussed, along with the Scripture they are violating, the damage they are causing to the name of Christ, and the ways in which they are hindering the response of other employees to the message of salvation. The goal is to help him see his offenses in light of Scripture so that he will repent before God, ask his fellow employees for forgiveness, and be restored.
Before going to an offender, we must make adequate preparations through prayer so that Satan will not be able to hinder conviction and repentance.
God is the only One Who can bring true conviction and repentance to a person’s heart. Therefore, the most important step we can take before going to an offender is to boldly go before the throne of grace and fervently appeal to God to work mightily in the situation for His honor and glory. Ask God to cause a spirit of peace and truth to reign in the conversation and to give you His words to say. Also, by our authority in Christ we should bind and rebuke Satan so that he cannot cause any confusion. Let’s realize the seriousness of telling an offender his fault, and let’s be spiritually prepared before we do it.
Command 30: Go to Offenders | Day 205
There was no apparent reason why this marriage should have failed. Both sets of parents had given their blessing, the couple was sure that God had led them together, and several wonderful children had been added to the family. Nevertheless, one day the wife told her husband that she wanted to get out of the marriage.
When I heard the wife’s grievances, I was puzzled. There didn’t seem to be any major offenses, such as moral failure or abuse, and I struggled to understand the source of the problem. Soon, it became apparent. Over the years, the wife had been hurt by “little” offenses from her husband. Rather than discussing the problems with him and clearing them up, she had allowed the offenses to build up and had shared them with her mother. Her mother had taken up an offense for her daughter and was determined to “rescue” her from this unhappy marriage.
Failure to go first to an offender results in whispering, and “a whisperer separateth chief friends” (Proverbs 16:28).
In addition to the potential of tempting others to take up our offenses, failure to go first to an offender can also result in judgments being made and actions being taken based on misinformation. God gave strict instructions to the leaders of the nation of Israel that if the leaders heard that one of their cities had gone after another god, they were to diligently investigate the matter. If the report was found to be true, then they were to completely destroy that city. (See Deuteronomy 13:12–17.)
One day a rumor began that some of the tribes of Israel were building an altar to a false god. The alarmed leaders gathered the rest of the nation together for the purpose of destroying these tribes. However, rather than building an altar to a false god, these tribes were actually building a memorial to the God of Israel so that their children would be reminded of the one true God. (See Joshua 22.) The danger of hasty actions is described in the following Scripture:
“Go not forth hastily to strive, lest thou know not what to do in the end thereof, when thy neighbour hath put thee to shame” (Proverbs 25:8).
Telling others about an offense can start verbal “fires” that often get back to the one who committed the offense. However, by this time the story is usually magnified and distorted. Instead of being repentant, the offender becomes angry and bitter that he has been misjudged and feels justified in his actions.
Several years ago, a person wronged me and I was disinclined to go to him in order to clear things up. Instead, I told a friend what had happened. Fortunately, he was a wise friend and said something to me I will never forget. His words brought conviction and changed the outcome of the entire situation. He said, “Bill, remember that when an offense has taken place, the more spiritual of the two will initiate the reconciliation.” He reminded me that God was the One Who took the initiative in reconciling sinners to Himself when He sent His Son to die. Let’s endeavor to follow the example of the Lord Jesus Christ and make every effort we can to reconcile with others by going to our offenders first.
When I heard the wife’s grievances, I was puzzled. There didn’t seem to be any major offenses, such as moral failure or abuse, and I struggled to understand the source of the problem. Soon, it became apparent. Over the years, the wife had been hurt by “little” offenses from her husband. Rather than discussing the problems with him and clearing them up, she had allowed the offenses to build up and had shared them with her mother. Her mother had taken up an offense for her daughter and was determined to “rescue” her from this unhappy marriage.
Failure to go first to an offender results in whispering, and “a whisperer separateth chief friends” (Proverbs 16:28).
In addition to the potential of tempting others to take up our offenses, failure to go first to an offender can also result in judgments being made and actions being taken based on misinformation. God gave strict instructions to the leaders of the nation of Israel that if the leaders heard that one of their cities had gone after another god, they were to diligently investigate the matter. If the report was found to be true, then they were to completely destroy that city. (See Deuteronomy 13:12–17.)
One day a rumor began that some of the tribes of Israel were building an altar to a false god. The alarmed leaders gathered the rest of the nation together for the purpose of destroying these tribes. However, rather than building an altar to a false god, these tribes were actually building a memorial to the God of Israel so that their children would be reminded of the one true God. (See Joshua 22.) The danger of hasty actions is described in the following Scripture:
“Go not forth hastily to strive, lest thou know not what to do in the end thereof, when thy neighbour hath put thee to shame” (Proverbs 25:8).
Telling others about an offense can start verbal “fires” that often get back to the one who committed the offense. However, by this time the story is usually magnified and distorted. Instead of being repentant, the offender becomes angry and bitter that he has been misjudged and feels justified in his actions.
Several years ago, a person wronged me and I was disinclined to go to him in order to clear things up. Instead, I told a friend what had happened. Fortunately, he was a wise friend and said something to me I will never forget. His words brought conviction and changed the outcome of the entire situation. He said, “Bill, remember that when an offense has taken place, the more spiritual of the two will initiate the reconciliation.” He reminded me that God was the One Who took the initiative in reconciling sinners to Himself when He sent His Son to die. Let’s endeavor to follow the example of the Lord Jesus Christ and make every effort we can to reconcile with others by going to our offenders first.
Command 30: Go to Offenders | Day 204
The feud began between a brother and sister but was carried on by their children and had the potential of lasting for generations. The older brother was the executor of their parents’ estate and, according to his younger sister, took thousands of dollars from the inheritance for himself before dividing it with her.
This offended sister never went to her brother to talk about it. Instead, she allowed the offense to grow into bitter animosity with her brother. If she would have followed the clear instruction of this command, she quickly would have understood the full story and spared herself and many others much grief.
While her parents were alive, her older brother had loaned them a significant amount of money. In order to pay back the debt, they told him to take it out of the estate before he divided it with his sister. Had she gone to her brother when she first became offended, she would have prevented the misunderstanding from turning into a family feud.
Command Thirty:
“Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican” (Matthew 18:15–17).
There are several reasons why it is hard for us to go to an offender. One reason is the fear of being hurt again. The pain of being offended causes us to draw back from the one who hurt us and build walls of protection around ourselves. This “cutting off” of spirit toward another person leads to feelings of hatred, which carries serious penalties. (See I John 3:15.)
A second reason is that we assume the offender will not listen to us. However, we are not responsible for the outcome of the situation. Our responsibility in going to an offender is to humbly and accurately present the offense with the goal of reconciliation.
Another reason it is difficult to go to an offender is that we may have had past offenders react to us when we have gone to them with wrong attitudes. This only created a bigger problem and made us wish that we had never gone to them in the first place. In order to prevent this, we must search our own hearts first and make sure our motives and attitudes are consistent with Scripture. It takes careful and thorough spiritual preparation to go to an offender.
“Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted” (Galatians 6:1).
This command reveals the heart of God and His desire for there to be harmony among believers. The prayer Jesus prayed for all of us is “that they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us …” (John 17:21). Let’s cooperate with God’s desire for unity by humbly going to our offenders in order to restore and reconcile our relationships as peacemakers.
Through Christ our Lord,
Bill Gothard
Study Question
Q: Since we are commanded to tell only an offender his fault, why did Paul tell Peter his fault in front of the entire group and also tell the whole church about the fault of Demas? (See Galatians 2:14, II Timothy 4:10.)
A: When a sin that affects an entire group is committed, the head of the group must be notified, in the same way that the head must be alerted about an infection in part of the body so that proper action can be taken to deal with it and prevent it from spreading throughout the entire body.
This is consistent with the instructions that Paul gave to Timothy about church leaders: “Against an elder receive not an accusation, but before two or three witnesses. Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear” (I Timothy 5:19–20).
“Rebuking before all” is what Paul did to Peter concerning the matter of separation: “When Peter was come to Antioch, I withstood him to the face, because he was to be blamed. For before that certain came from James, he did eat with the Gentiles: but when they were come, he withdrew and separated himself, fearing them which were of the circumcision” (Galatians 2:11–12).
Paul went on to explain how Peter’s hypocrisy had led astray other Jewish Christians and even Barnabas. Because Peter’s offense had affected an entire group, he needed public rebuke. God used Paul’s voice to warn others of falling into the same trap.
There are ample witnesses to verify the need for public rebukes—we can assume that Demas was warned by Paul and other witnesses not to love the world. Thus, Paul wrote, “For Demas hath forsaken me, having loved this present world, and is departed unto Thessalonica” (II Timothy 4:10).
It is critical that we distinguish between different types of offenses in order to determine the most effective rebuke for each situation. In every case, however, it is our responsibility to first examine our own lives according to Matthew 7:5: “… First cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.”
This offended sister never went to her brother to talk about it. Instead, she allowed the offense to grow into bitter animosity with her brother. If she would have followed the clear instruction of this command, she quickly would have understood the full story and spared herself and many others much grief.
While her parents were alive, her older brother had loaned them a significant amount of money. In order to pay back the debt, they told him to take it out of the estate before he divided it with his sister. Had she gone to her brother when she first became offended, she would have prevented the misunderstanding from turning into a family feud.
Command Thirty:
“Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican” (Matthew 18:15–17).
There are several reasons why it is hard for us to go to an offender. One reason is the fear of being hurt again. The pain of being offended causes us to draw back from the one who hurt us and build walls of protection around ourselves. This “cutting off” of spirit toward another person leads to feelings of hatred, which carries serious penalties. (See I John 3:15.)
A second reason is that we assume the offender will not listen to us. However, we are not responsible for the outcome of the situation. Our responsibility in going to an offender is to humbly and accurately present the offense with the goal of reconciliation.
Another reason it is difficult to go to an offender is that we may have had past offenders react to us when we have gone to them with wrong attitudes. This only created a bigger problem and made us wish that we had never gone to them in the first place. In order to prevent this, we must search our own hearts first and make sure our motives and attitudes are consistent with Scripture. It takes careful and thorough spiritual preparation to go to an offender.
“Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted” (Galatians 6:1).
This command reveals the heart of God and His desire for there to be harmony among believers. The prayer Jesus prayed for all of us is “that they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us …” (John 17:21). Let’s cooperate with God’s desire for unity by humbly going to our offenders in order to restore and reconcile our relationships as peacemakers.
Through Christ our Lord,
Bill Gothard
Study Question
Q: Since we are commanded to tell only an offender his fault, why did Paul tell Peter his fault in front of the entire group and also tell the whole church about the fault of Demas? (See Galatians 2:14, II Timothy 4:10.)
A: When a sin that affects an entire group is committed, the head of the group must be notified, in the same way that the head must be alerted about an infection in part of the body so that proper action can be taken to deal with it and prevent it from spreading throughout the entire body.
This is consistent with the instructions that Paul gave to Timothy about church leaders: “Against an elder receive not an accusation, but before two or three witnesses. Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear” (I Timothy 5:19–20).
“Rebuking before all” is what Paul did to Peter concerning the matter of separation: “When Peter was come to Antioch, I withstood him to the face, because he was to be blamed. For before that certain came from James, he did eat with the Gentiles: but when they were come, he withdrew and separated himself, fearing them which were of the circumcision” (Galatians 2:11–12).
Paul went on to explain how Peter’s hypocrisy had led astray other Jewish Christians and even Barnabas. Because Peter’s offense had affected an entire group, he needed public rebuke. God used Paul’s voice to warn others of falling into the same trap.
There are ample witnesses to verify the need for public rebukes—we can assume that Demas was warned by Paul and other witnesses not to love the world. Thus, Paul wrote, “For Demas hath forsaken me, having loved this present world, and is departed unto Thessalonica” (II Timothy 4:10).
It is critical that we distinguish between different types of offenses in order to determine the most effective rebuke for each situation. In every case, however, it is our responsibility to first examine our own lives according to Matthew 7:5: “… First cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.”
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